I think I won the penis lottery.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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