I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
