I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
