I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
