my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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