I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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