Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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