I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
