I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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