hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
