He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
