i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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