She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
