I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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