You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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