I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
