Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
