We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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