hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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