so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
