Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
