I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
