Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
