I must be too annoying 4 u.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
