why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
