guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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