if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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