he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
