I could make wine with my vomit
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
