You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
