On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
