Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
