Where are you?
In a non slutty way
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
