at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
