I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
