No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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