your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
