i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
