Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
