I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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