This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
