remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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