Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
