I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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