Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Can't talk, ducks in the car
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
