Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
