Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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