i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
