I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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