I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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